A Very Quiet Miracle

I am such a bad daughter, I just don't get in here to write my experiences and right now I am only here because God is holding me up. I can't feel him, in fact I feel a million miles from him, but he is there, and Christ, I know is interacting on my behalf.

My marriage has broken, gone, disintegrated and I really don't know why or how. My husband no longer loves me, not only is he no longer in love with me but he doesn't even care for me.
Now I know I should know why, or at least be able to pin point arguments riffs all that stuff that destroys a relationship, but I can't. We never argued, ever. We had a difference of opinion but never argued or bickered. He was my best friend and my forever lover.

So now I am bewildered, and the worst of it, I am in love with my husband and awfully I think I always will be. He is the love of my life. I think though that the man I love does not exist any more, as he would never have treated me this way, I am destroyed.

So this is the back drop of my quiet miracle.

I cry every day and for a good few months it was all day every day hours & hours of crying sobbing from my soul. Such a destructive feeling but I do know that tears will heal, eventually.
The problem is I can't see life without him. He goes along in his world, without me, working socialising and is fine. I on the other hand am joyless, sad and it is very hard to laugh and smile. When I do it is sort of forced because I feel nothing except pain in my soul.  Joy escapes me right now. Do you know how awful it is to be joyless in your soul?

So I want to die, quite often, it seems the only answer to me as I don't want to go on in life all on my own. I am living in a foreign country, don't speak the language well, have no family here & the only person who really would be destroyed is my mum, so I would never do anything silly as it would kill her.
So I prayed, I prayed that I would die of something, that I would have a terminal illness and just die quickly.

People please don't do this!!!!!

I had a mark on my chest the size of the top of a finger, a sun spot. Quite large but just like an age spot not raised just coloured. I had it for 5 years from being in the sun here.
After I prayed many times to die I went on anti depressants  and this has helped get me on a level where I no longer am so desperate.
One day I realised I was rubbing absent mindedly the sun spot and then realised it felt raised, which it now was. I had a feeling of dread as I had felt a swelling in my arm pit too. Over a few days it got bigger & it looked like a cell that was dividing. It looked to me like a typical melanoma and I was terrified but really knew it was my own doing. This thing started to itch and became dry but was really quite a size by now.  I happened to be out with a friend who's husband had had many skin cancers etc removed, as had she, she thought it looked like a cancer and when we met up with her husband, he confirmed he thought so too and I should go to get it seen to ASAP.

I apologised to God for asking for this and said I did not want to die, the thought really freaked me out!  But I was prepared to accept my fate after all I did ask for it and my life did not seem worth living. So I said sorry to have prayed for this and just talked to him about how I was feeling. Well this thing, whatever it may have been, came off, just came away and now I don't even have the mark that had been there for 5 years!

Now I know this is a real life miracle, not my first but this was a gently quiet miracle, just for me. Not to boast but to affirm.

I have not announced this to anyone but I felt I must mention it here!
In the depths of despair when I want to die, when I feel I can go on no more, he is there, I can't hear him I don't have faith that he can hear me right now, but now I KNOW he is with me, he has me, holds me and carries me.