Me At Three

So when I was three, how many of you can remember that?

I can't remember much of my childhood but I can remember when I fell in love with Jesus, although I had no idea what it all meant, till I was a grown up wife and mother of three. My sister in law remembers being in her pram and her Christening! I like to believe there is a reason for that!

Somewhere in my fractured family is a brother or uncle of my fathers who became a vicar and when I was very little he must have visited. He left me a leather bound King James version Bible & a two volume leather bound children's cartoon bible Old and New Testaments. This was very provident for me, though no one knew at the time, but I like to believe he knew and that he heard from God very clearly. I never met this man, never heard about him, nothing, but I owe him a lot of thank you's I will meet him one day in Heaven.
My mum is half Welsh (Baptist) and Half Irish (no idea) Mum has really fond memories of being raised by her Irish Grandmother, who she loved very much, again I have never had the pleasure of meeting he and I am only just hearing about her (mum is 90 in a couple of months).
Mum's Welsh side was cut short for a good few years, due to her mum (yep the women in my family hey!) divorcing her dad. My granddad stopped my nan from having my mum. I do remember mum telling me she wanted nothing to do with Church goers after seeing so much hypocrisy in the Welsh family :-(
So although I was Christened (I think) I was never taken to church or Sunday school.

I was an early reader at 4 years old I was reading things outside of school books, to the shock and pleasure of my mum. So my earliest memories are of sitting on my bed reading the King James Bible and my well loved children's bibles. I LOVED them and loved Jesus.

When my mum left my dad (I was not yet 2) we moved into a damp Victorian basement flat with the use of the garden. We did not have a bathroom but we did have a huge white church. It was beautiful and I wanted to go as that is where Jesus was. I remember taking myself, but I am not sure what happened, as I say mum would not go! I went to Sunday school and I was involved in plays and all the things they put on or got us to put on for parents. Mum did have to get involved with that LOL.
I remember being an Indian lady in a fancy dress show. Mum was a dress maker & made me the most beautiful red Sari, I had a spot on my head and Cinderella pink sparkly shoes. I have vivid memories of getting dressed and having the Sari wound round me even having the little spot dabbed on my head.
I came second to a snobby girl who was a bride! How original LOL. She was also cast as Cinderella while I was an Ugly sister (story of my life). Needless to say I did not like her.

Anyway I loved that C of E church, I knew Jesus and God was with me.
One day, when I was 5, I was taken very ill. I was at a friends house for the weekend and I remember eating dinner and informing them I did not like peas. I was made to eat them and being a child who wanted to please I did crying though. That night I remember being sick an ambulance taking me to Croydon hospital and seeing my mum there. I had no idea why but I spent a couple of weeks in hospital and from then on was ill a lot till I was in my 20's. I had contracted Bronchial Asthma through the damp in the flat (the walls ran with water). I only remember bits and bobs one being that I was a pain in the bum to the nurses as I hated all the blood tests and made a real fuss, I had a phobia right up till I was in my 40's and still have to stop myself panicking. Still hate hospitals and I am a complete wimp!

The next thing I knew we were moving out due to my Dr informing the council I needed to get out of the damp. We then moved into a brand new block of flats in New Addington, which is hight up and has good altitude for chest problems (yeah right!)
I remember the day I discovered that the lovely modern church hall practically opposite my flats did not have a church? no Sunday school, nothing. I can't describe how upset I was to find this out at 5 my church family disappeared, and that was the start of my wilderness experience as a child. Just imagine if I had had the support I needed while growing up with no dad!

I was 21 when I next went to church to be married. I had to be married in front of God, I didn't know why, just that it would mean nothing if I wasn't. My vows were very important to me but were shortly broken by my then husband. I understand why Jesus only gives this as a reason for divorce, it destroys your soul. I did forgive my husband and moved forward after a LOT of heart ache and healing but I am not a door mat so when he systematically tried to destroy my mind and spirit I got out, and lost my church (who were meant to be my loving family!!!!!).

I was 27 when I found out what I had to do to be a Christian LOL supposedly! What a crock a lot of it was!!!!!

Churches love and safeguard your children!!!!!


 

A Very Quiet Miracle

I am such a bad daughter, I just don't get in here to write my experiences and right now I am only here because God is holding me up. I can't feel him, in fact I feel a million miles from him, but he is there, and Christ, I know is interacting on my behalf.

My marriage has broken, gone, disintegrated and I really don't know why or how. My husband no longer loves me, not only is he no longer in love with me but he doesn't even care for me.
Now I know I should know why, or at least be able to pin point arguments riffs all that stuff that destroys a relationship, but I can't. We never argued, ever. We had a difference of opinion but never argued or bickered. He was my best friend and my forever lover.

So now I am bewildered, and the worst of it, I am in love with my husband and awfully I think I always will be. He is the love of my life. I think though that the man I love does not exist any more, as he would never have treated me this way, I am destroyed.

So this is the back drop of my quiet miracle.

I cry every day and for a good few months it was all day every day hours & hours of crying sobbing from my soul. Such a destructive feeling but I do know that tears will heal, eventually.
The problem is I can't see life without him. He goes along in his world, without me, working socialising and is fine. I on the other hand am joyless, sad and it is very hard to laugh and smile. When I do it is sort of forced because I feel nothing except pain in my soul.  Joy escapes me right now. Do you know how awful it is to be joyless in your soul?

So I want to die, quite often, it seems the only answer to me as I don't want to go on in life all on my own. I am living in a foreign country, don't speak the language well, have no family here & the only person who really would be destroyed is my mum, so I would never do anything silly as it would kill her.
So I prayed, I prayed that I would die of something, that I would have a terminal illness and just die quickly.

People please don't do this!!!!!

I had a mark on my chest the size of the top of a finger, a sun spot. Quite large but just like an age spot not raised just coloured. I had it for 5 years from being in the sun here.
After I prayed many times to die I went on anti depressants  and this has helped get me on a level where I no longer am so desperate.
One day I realised I was rubbing absent mindedly the sun spot and then realised it felt raised, which it now was. I had a feeling of dread as I had felt a swelling in my arm pit too. Over a few days it got bigger & it looked like a cell that was dividing. It looked to me like a typical melanoma and I was terrified but really knew it was my own doing. This thing started to itch and became dry but was really quite a size by now.  I happened to be out with a friend who's husband had had many skin cancers etc removed, as had she, she thought it looked like a cancer and when we met up with her husband, he confirmed he thought so too and I should go to get it seen to ASAP.

I apologised to God for asking for this and said I did not want to die, the thought really freaked me out!  But I was prepared to accept my fate after all I did ask for it and my life did not seem worth living. So I said sorry to have prayed for this and just talked to him about how I was feeling. Well this thing, whatever it may have been, came off, just came away and now I don't even have the mark that had been there for 5 years!

Now I know this is a real life miracle, not my first but this was a gently quiet miracle, just for me. Not to boast but to affirm.

I have not announced this to anyone but I felt I must mention it here!
In the depths of despair when I want to die, when I feel I can go on no more, he is there, I can't hear him I don't have faith that he can hear me right now, but now I KNOW he is with me, he has me, holds me and carries me.