Wibbly Wobbly

Living with no church and no Christian friends to socialise and talk to is hard, very, very hard.
All you who have church and fellowship be aware how fortunate you are. I miss it so much.
So with this as the state of my life for the last 17 years (no church home), 6 of which completely alone, I still have my deep faith in Jesus.

Sometimes I wonder, does he really love me, how do I relate to God as my father? I don't know I just have to trust. I pray even though I don't believe in myself. I don't doubt God, Jesus or the Trinity, I doubt me, me and other Christians.
I am not a "good" Christian, I am one of those "you call yourself a Christian" Christians.  In all the years I was an active part of church I smoked. I was told I had a demon of nicotine, was asked the question, you call yourself a Christian yet you smoke, so many times. My answer then was yep and when God has finished helping me change the important problems in my life/character, I am sure smoking will be on the list, right now it isn't. Do gooders drive me nuts!!!  Well for all those judging Christians I did give up 5 years 3 months ago. I do not go on to other smokers to give up, I can socialise with smokers too, which I am really over the moon about, But the best thing is I am FREE after years of slavery to the fag!!!  All in Gods timing not mine and certainly not yours!

I fear I will never be part of a church family again. I am a rebel, always have been. I won't go with the flow just because and I really am not sure there is a church that can handle my not just believing what they say, cause why.

I am adrift, I know. In the wilderness, I know. Lonely and alone, I know.  All I can hope for is the much continually predicted Rapture. Oh please God take me in the rapture, I came to realise there was a difference between believing in Jesus and asking him into my life because of conviction over the Rapture. I really hope this is going to be real and pray I will be in it and soon.

My life sucks right now. I have come back from the brink, in the darkest place I ever want to visit. I am alive.
I am healthy but I am lonely and alone. Bereft of love, of loving, of being a part of someone. I don't know about you but I was not meant to be living a life of aloneness, I am not happy.  Mind you I could never live with someone I do not love, never in a million years, it is just not in my nature. So herein I am reliant on God and his plans for me. My complete lack of faith in me says there just isn't a plan for a good life for me. I have had my bit of good and now it is over. This breaks my heart!

I KNOW God can do anything so I hope and continue to hope and pray in my useless way that he may hear me :-)

I am about to be left destitute, just 6 months left with an income, in a country where I cannot work, no social security here, with nowhere to go in England, job, money or home. Basically stuck in Bulgaria with no money to live on, as things stand right now.
This is me standing on my faith!  I planned to save every penny between now and August to keep me going for a bit, but unfortunately this is not working out. Renovations have run over time and budget, dogs need operations and vet stuff. A business idea I have which may or may not take off will need financial input to even get off the ground. An absolute nightmare to be facing at 56!

God knows my situation, I have been put in a Job state again, bloody fed up with this! The worst is facing it alone but I guess the thing is I have to rely on God, the fact I am saved by the blood sacrifice of Jesus. I hang my hope on the script that says Everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial, meaning I am still saved.

So any one reading this (as I really am not sure people do LOL) please pray for me, for my situation and for the Holy Spirit to manifest himself in my life. Open my ears to hear, my eyes to see and my mind to understand.

Thank you x