A Very Quiet Miracle

I am such a bad daughter, I just don't get in here to write my experiences and right now I am only here because God is holding me up. I can't feel him, in fact I feel a million miles from him, but he is there, and Christ, I know is interacting on my behalf.

My marriage has broken, gone, disintegrated and I really don't know why or how. My husband no longer loves me, not only is he no longer in love with me but he doesn't even care for me.
Now I know I should know why, or at least be able to pin point arguments riffs all that stuff that destroys a relationship, but I can't. We never argued, ever. We had a difference of opinion but never argued or bickered. He was my best friend and my forever lover.

So now I am bewildered, and the worst of it, I am in love with my husband and awfully I think I always will be. He is the love of my life. I think though that the man I love does not exist any more, as he would never have treated me this way, I am destroyed.

So this is the back drop of my quiet miracle.

I cry every day and for a good few months it was all day every day hours & hours of crying sobbing from my soul. Such a destructive feeling but I do know that tears will heal, eventually.
The problem is I can't see life without him. He goes along in his world, without me, working socialising and is fine. I on the other hand am joyless, sad and it is very hard to laugh and smile. When I do it is sort of forced because I feel nothing except pain in my soul.  Joy escapes me right now. Do you know how awful it is to be joyless in your soul?

So I want to die, quite often, it seems the only answer to me as I don't want to go on in life all on my own. I am living in a foreign country, don't speak the language well, have no family here & the only person who really would be destroyed is my mum, so I would never do anything silly as it would kill her.
So I prayed, I prayed that I would die of something, that I would have a terminal illness and just die quickly.

People please don't do this!!!!!

I had a mark on my chest the size of the top of a finger, a sun spot. Quite large but just like an age spot not raised just coloured. I had it for 5 years from being in the sun here.
After I prayed many times to die I went on anti depressants  and this has helped get me on a level where I no longer am so desperate.
One day I realised I was rubbing absent mindedly the sun spot and then realised it felt raised, which it now was. I had a feeling of dread as I had felt a swelling in my arm pit too. Over a few days it got bigger & it looked like a cell that was dividing. It looked to me like a typical melanoma and I was terrified but really knew it was my own doing. This thing started to itch and became dry but was really quite a size by now.  I happened to be out with a friend who's husband had had many skin cancers etc removed, as had she, she thought it looked like a cancer and when we met up with her husband, he confirmed he thought so too and I should go to get it seen to ASAP.

I apologised to God for asking for this and said I did not want to die, the thought really freaked me out!  But I was prepared to accept my fate after all I did ask for it and my life did not seem worth living. So I said sorry to have prayed for this and just talked to him about how I was feeling. Well this thing, whatever it may have been, came off, just came away and now I don't even have the mark that had been there for 5 years!

Now I know this is a real life miracle, not my first but this was a gently quiet miracle, just for me. Not to boast but to affirm.

I have not announced this to anyone but I felt I must mention it here!
In the depths of despair when I want to die, when I feel I can go on no more, he is there, I can't hear him I don't have faith that he can hear me right now, but now I KNOW he is with me, he has me, holds me and carries me.

Oh My Goodness

I have just been reading through some blogs that blogger suggested. They were all God related but most were unreadable, unless you were top of Mensa! How on earth are people supposed to understand the message of the gospel? I have been a Christian most of my life (in fact from the age of 3 really) and I understood not a word. Perhaps we can only be Christians if we have finished a masters degree first class? Who made it so hard to understand, who made it so hard to live, who is responsible for the divide of who is intelligent enough to share the gospel and the love of Christ Jesus? It has upset me as it makes me feel that I am  not good enough, no wonder the church is emptying at an alarming rate!

Hi,  I am a Christian who, through this blog, will reveal my walk, stumble/s rejections and promises of God. It's a doozie and maybe while writing it I may find myself or at least the answers as to WHY? Why did this happen to me, why did I allow this, why why why?
This really will be a rambling from my mind, which gets very confused with all the theologies out there, I just have to remember one thing, well maybe two. God loves ME. Jesus died for ME, Oh and I am SAVED! So that is three!

Why do the human race think they know it all? That if you can't see it feel it or touch it then it does not exist? So then you have the Christians who think they are so intelligent they just have to make Christianity complicated, as if that will give them kudos outside of the Christian community. This also then, withing the church community, elevates them to mega star Christian who must be greatly used by God as he understands so much more than we. Hmmmm, now is is just me, am I being very rebellious, is what I am thinking how it really is, or am I very, very wrong?  I have always been told I am a rebel, yes I am, this is my personality and the way God made me actually, but, in my previous church, I was made to feel I was wrong to question as I knew nothing.
So I joined what I could, went to meetings and every conference, did a  couple of short term Training in Evangelism fortnights, a whole year training in evangelism, which was actually a year being treated as a second class citizen, "because it was good for me to be a servant", and showered in cold water when on teaching weeks while the leaders had hot water?  I was in my thirties with a husband three children and a mortgage! It was enough to be parted from them I didn't need more torture! To say I was disappointed in my leaders on this teaching year, well my heart sunk and I lost my respect for them. I am sure to this day that God my father did not want me to shower and wash my hair in freezing water in the depths of  winter, he is not a God of torcher. Thank goodness for my faith!
My faith is unshakable I have always believed, from the age of three when I had a massive C of E church in my street in Croydon south London. I don't remember why or how but I wanted to go and my mum is against anything to do with religion.

Mum is Welsh, was raised in a very Baptist family and found them to be very hypocritical. Unfortunately she now tars everyone with the same brush. Mum was a Christian at some point,  I believe Jesus is still with her. A few years ago mum had a perforated bowel and very nearly died. She was in an enforced coma and she had a very vivid dream. It was an amazing dream the upshot of which was she could go one way on her own which looked easier or a "person" wanted her to go with him to safety but the way was harder, looked dangerous and scary! She kept saying take me the other way but he wouldn't and eventually she came into a brightly lit place of safety, then she was awake in hospital. My mum loves Lord of the rings and she said it was in a land just like that with huge thorns trying to get her, barring her way. It still makes me tingle. Jesus has not abandoned my mum,she is still saved, even if she doesn't realise it, as its so deep. My God knows my mums soul,  all her hurts and devastation!
Mum has had such a hard life and to know that she is saved (and I Know) is wonderful! This is a fact I will not argue with any theologian because I know that I know, that I know!

Anyway back to 3 year old me, lol, maybe next time as now I want to phone my mum
x