Wibbly Wobbly

Living with no church and no Christian friends to socialise and talk to is hard, very, very hard.
All you who have church and fellowship be aware how fortunate you are. I miss it so much.
So with this as the state of my life for the last 17 years (no church home), 6 of which completely alone, I still have my deep faith in Jesus.

Sometimes I wonder, does he really love me, how do I relate to God as my father? I don't know I just have to trust. I pray even though I don't believe in myself. I don't doubt God, Jesus or the Trinity, I doubt me, me and other Christians.
I am not a "good" Christian, I am one of those "you call yourself a Christian" Christians.  In all the years I was an active part of church I smoked. I was told I had a demon of nicotine, was asked the question, you call yourself a Christian yet you smoke, so many times. My answer then was yep and when God has finished helping me change the important problems in my life/character, I am sure smoking will be on the list, right now it isn't. Do gooders drive me nuts!!!  Well for all those judging Christians I did give up 5 years 3 months ago. I do not go on to other smokers to give up, I can socialise with smokers too, which I am really over the moon about, But the best thing is I am FREE after years of slavery to the fag!!!  All in Gods timing not mine and certainly not yours!

I fear I will never be part of a church family again. I am a rebel, always have been. I won't go with the flow just because and I really am not sure there is a church that can handle my not just believing what they say, cause why.

I am adrift, I know. In the wilderness, I know. Lonely and alone, I know.  All I can hope for is the much continually predicted Rapture. Oh please God take me in the rapture, I came to realise there was a difference between believing in Jesus and asking him into my life because of conviction over the Rapture. I really hope this is going to be real and pray I will be in it and soon.

My life sucks right now. I have come back from the brink, in the darkest place I ever want to visit. I am alive.
I am healthy but I am lonely and alone. Bereft of love, of loving, of being a part of someone. I don't know about you but I was not meant to be living a life of aloneness, I am not happy.  Mind you I could never live with someone I do not love, never in a million years, it is just not in my nature. So herein I am reliant on God and his plans for me. My complete lack of faith in me says there just isn't a plan for a good life for me. I have had my bit of good and now it is over. This breaks my heart!

I KNOW God can do anything so I hope and continue to hope and pray in my useless way that he may hear me :-)

I am about to be left destitute, just 6 months left with an income, in a country where I cannot work, no social security here, with nowhere to go in England, job, money or home. Basically stuck in Bulgaria with no money to live on, as things stand right now.
This is me standing on my faith!  I planned to save every penny between now and August to keep me going for a bit, but unfortunately this is not working out. Renovations have run over time and budget, dogs need operations and vet stuff. A business idea I have which may or may not take off will need financial input to even get off the ground. An absolute nightmare to be facing at 56!

God knows my situation, I have been put in a Job state again, bloody fed up with this! The worst is facing it alone but I guess the thing is I have to rely on God, the fact I am saved by the blood sacrifice of Jesus. I hang my hope on the script that says Everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial, meaning I am still saved.

So any one reading this (as I really am not sure people do LOL) please pray for me, for my situation and for the Holy Spirit to manifest himself in my life. Open my ears to hear, my eyes to see and my mind to understand.

Thank you x

Well I have done it!

Oh dear Lord I have done it, I have posted a profile on a Christian dating site Eeek!!!!!

What do I want out of this, hmmmmm. First hopefully friendship, someone to talk to who is Christ centred and one day you never know I might meet the one, there has to be one? I really want someone who is a committed Christian in my life.  I would like a husband who won't just throw me away with the rubbish when he has a wobble but someone who will know marriage sometimes takes work, who knows how to communicate and walks with Jesus bringing me with him not leaving me behind, oh and so much more.
A person who, when he says I am his soul mate actually means it.

Please God!

Learning to "let go" But How?

I have had 2 words in the last couple of days that echo this poem. NOW I am having to learn how to all over again :-)

Be Still & Know That I am God

Sit still, my daughter! Just sit calmly still!

Nor deem these days–these waiting days–as ill,
The One who loves thee best, who plans thy way,
Hath not forgotten thy great need today!
And, if He waits, ’tis sure He waits to prove
To thee, His tender child, His heart’s deep love.

Sit still, my daughter! Just sit calmly still!
Thou longest much to know thy dear Lord’s will!
While anxious thoughts would almost steal their way
Corrodingly within, because of His delay.
Persuade thyself in simple faith to rest
That He, who knows and loves, will do the best.

Sit still, my daughter! Just sit calmly still!
Nor move one step, not even one, until
His way hath opened. Then, ah then, how sweet!
How glad thy heart, and then how swift thy feet
Thy inner being then, ah then, how strong!
And waiting days not counted then too long.

Sit still, my daughter! Just sit calmly still!
What higher service could’st thou for Him fill?
‘Tis hard! ah yes! But choicest things must cost!
For lack of losing all how much is lost!
‘Tis hard, ’tis true! But then –  He giveth grace
To count the hardest spot the sweetest place

 http://www.knowing-jesus.com/stand-still-sit-still-be-still

Reading this is like being wrapped in a luxuriously soft and light Mohair blanket.  I believe this is what God is trying to tell me, no what he IS telling me, by now probably shouting at me.

 Isaiah 52:12 (ESV)

12  For you shall not go out in haste, 

and you shall not go in flight, 

for the Lord will go before you, 

and the God of Israel will be your rear guard.

About 19 yrs ago God gave me my best friend. We met while sitting next to each other in a huge meeting on a Christian retreat holiday. While worshiping praying she was overcome by the holy Spirit & I literally had to stop her from falling into loads of chairs, as we were high up I was concerned, off course I needn't have been, but that was Gods way for us to meet. We exchanged a couple of words and even though we did not live in the same area or go to the same church, we were just "put together" I think we bump't into each other once a month at the large Pioneer umbrella church meetings & our fate was sealed.  

I gave up a year to do T I E team with Pioneer, now known as D N A & wowsers so did my new friend that was that we were joined by spirit, heart & soul!  We always "feel" when we need to phone or pray for each other, even though we are now over 2000 miles apart, and what a lot of heartache we have both been through in this time! Neither of us has had it easy, but I KNOW my lovely God given friend will ALWAYS hear from God and pray for me and into my situation.

This is exactly what she has just done hence my message which came just after a wonderful invitation to go and stay with a Christian couple on the coast in Varna. They have a God given ministry there and have graciously asked me to go, to get me out of this hell I am in right now.  His word was.... Stop trying so hard,  it is impossible to save a drowning person who is trying to save themselves, relax and do nothing stop thrashing around and let God speak to you and  I am the perfect me I don't need improving.  Boy did I need to hear that! 

I think this is perfect timing. I seem to have reached the point where God says "now I can" I just need to let him and I am suddenly in that place where "I can".

I decided I have to take people up on their offers, scary, but I am not even going out of the house right now let alone socialising. My life has been put on hold, while I held onto Hope that Love would prevail.  People kept telling me I needed to move on, but how do I do that? Hence the thrashing around I guess.  

I did not (in fact still don't) want to let go of my husband, even though he has another woman and let go of me many months ago, shows complete disregard and has no love for me his supposed soul mate!  I am completely bereft but after the last couple of days strangely lighter in my being.

I have a friend who also is without church and we are getting together in a few days to kick each others spiritual butt, we both really need it and after what God is doing on the Isle of Wight and the link I have through FB with the pastor I have great expectations for us here in Bulgaria.  Perhaps my Evangelistic gift may be returned? I don't know, what I do know is I am starting to feel the need for the Holy Spirit to fall on this country and us, the need for new life to breath on us and funnily God always speaks to me of others when I am coming out of my suffering.  SOOOOO maybe (unless I am completely delusional) I am on the road to recovery? I am not silly I know it is a long road, with much prayer needed and much bible reading by me (dry is not the word!!!!! give me a thirst) but I seem to be on my way.  I am looking forward to Varna, even though it will be really scary to move out of my comfort zone of loneliness and  aloneness, funny how we are comfortable spiritually with the blanket we wrap around ourself, even a ragged blanket!  I believe I am to be re-born while with these people of God, that they are God given and boy are they loving as they have never met me, have never heard my voice, yet they are loving me, this is who we should all be, just LOVING.

Me At Three

So when I was three, how many of you can remember that?

I can't remember much of my childhood but I can remember when I fell in love with Jesus, although I had no idea what it all meant, till I was a grown up wife and mother of three. My sister in law remembers being in her pram and her Christening! I like to believe there is a reason for that!

Somewhere in my fractured family is a brother or uncle of my fathers who became a vicar and when I was very little he must have visited. He left me a leather bound King James version Bible & a two volume leather bound children's cartoon bible Old and New Testaments. This was very provident for me, though no one knew at the time, but I like to believe he knew and that he heard from God very clearly. I never met this man, never heard about him, nothing, but I owe him a lot of thank you's I will meet him one day in Heaven.
My mum is half Welsh (Baptist) and Half Irish (no idea) Mum has really fond memories of being raised by her Irish Grandmother, who she loved very much, again I have never had the pleasure of meeting he and I am only just hearing about her (mum is 90 in a couple of months).
Mum's Welsh side was cut short for a good few years, due to her mum (yep the women in my family hey!) divorcing her dad. My granddad stopped my nan from having my mum. I do remember mum telling me she wanted nothing to do with Church goers after seeing so much hypocrisy in the Welsh family :-(
So although I was Christened (I think) I was never taken to church or Sunday school.

I was an early reader at 4 years old I was reading things outside of school books, to the shock and pleasure of my mum. So my earliest memories are of sitting on my bed reading the King James Bible and my well loved children's bibles. I LOVED them and loved Jesus.

When my mum left my dad (I was not yet 2) we moved into a damp Victorian basement flat with the use of the garden. We did not have a bathroom but we did have a huge white church. It was beautiful and I wanted to go as that is where Jesus was. I remember taking myself, but I am not sure what happened, as I say mum would not go! I went to Sunday school and I was involved in plays and all the things they put on or got us to put on for parents. Mum did have to get involved with that LOL.
I remember being an Indian lady in a fancy dress show. Mum was a dress maker & made me the most beautiful red Sari, I had a spot on my head and Cinderella pink sparkly shoes. I have vivid memories of getting dressed and having the Sari wound round me even having the little spot dabbed on my head.
I came second to a snobby girl who was a bride! How original LOL. She was also cast as Cinderella while I was an Ugly sister (story of my life). Needless to say I did not like her.

Anyway I loved that C of E church, I knew Jesus and God was with me.
One day, when I was 5, I was taken very ill. I was at a friends house for the weekend and I remember eating dinner and informing them I did not like peas. I was made to eat them and being a child who wanted to please I did crying though. That night I remember being sick an ambulance taking me to Croydon hospital and seeing my mum there. I had no idea why but I spent a couple of weeks in hospital and from then on was ill a lot till I was in my 20's. I had contracted Bronchial Asthma through the damp in the flat (the walls ran with water). I only remember bits and bobs one being that I was a pain in the bum to the nurses as I hated all the blood tests and made a real fuss, I had a phobia right up till I was in my 40's and still have to stop myself panicking. Still hate hospitals and I am a complete wimp!

The next thing I knew we were moving out due to my Dr informing the council I needed to get out of the damp. We then moved into a brand new block of flats in New Addington, which is hight up and has good altitude for chest problems (yeah right!)
I remember the day I discovered that the lovely modern church hall practically opposite my flats did not have a church? no Sunday school, nothing. I can't describe how upset I was to find this out at 5 my church family disappeared, and that was the start of my wilderness experience as a child. Just imagine if I had had the support I needed while growing up with no dad!

I was 21 when I next went to church to be married. I had to be married in front of God, I didn't know why, just that it would mean nothing if I wasn't. My vows were very important to me but were shortly broken by my then husband. I understand why Jesus only gives this as a reason for divorce, it destroys your soul. I did forgive my husband and moved forward after a LOT of heart ache and healing but I am not a door mat so when he systematically tried to destroy my mind and spirit I got out, and lost my church (who were meant to be my loving family!!!!!).

I was 27 when I found out what I had to do to be a Christian LOL supposedly! What a crock a lot of it was!!!!!

Churches love and safeguard your children!!!!!


 

A Very Quiet Miracle

I am such a bad daughter, I just don't get in here to write my experiences and right now I am only here because God is holding me up. I can't feel him, in fact I feel a million miles from him, but he is there, and Christ, I know is interacting on my behalf.

My marriage has broken, gone, disintegrated and I really don't know why or how. My husband no longer loves me, not only is he no longer in love with me but he doesn't even care for me.
Now I know I should know why, or at least be able to pin point arguments riffs all that stuff that destroys a relationship, but I can't. We never argued, ever. We had a difference of opinion but never argued or bickered. He was my best friend and my forever lover.

So now I am bewildered, and the worst of it, I am in love with my husband and awfully I think I always will be. He is the love of my life. I think though that the man I love does not exist any more, as he would never have treated me this way, I am destroyed.

So this is the back drop of my quiet miracle.

I cry every day and for a good few months it was all day every day hours & hours of crying sobbing from my soul. Such a destructive feeling but I do know that tears will heal, eventually.
The problem is I can't see life without him. He goes along in his world, without me, working socialising and is fine. I on the other hand am joyless, sad and it is very hard to laugh and smile. When I do it is sort of forced because I feel nothing except pain in my soul.  Joy escapes me right now. Do you know how awful it is to be joyless in your soul?

So I want to die, quite often, it seems the only answer to me as I don't want to go on in life all on my own. I am living in a foreign country, don't speak the language well, have no family here & the only person who really would be destroyed is my mum, so I would never do anything silly as it would kill her.
So I prayed, I prayed that I would die of something, that I would have a terminal illness and just die quickly.

People please don't do this!!!!!

I had a mark on my chest the size of the top of a finger, a sun spot. Quite large but just like an age spot not raised just coloured. I had it for 5 years from being in the sun here.
After I prayed many times to die I went on anti depressants  and this has helped get me on a level where I no longer am so desperate.
One day I realised I was rubbing absent mindedly the sun spot and then realised it felt raised, which it now was. I had a feeling of dread as I had felt a swelling in my arm pit too. Over a few days it got bigger & it looked like a cell that was dividing. It looked to me like a typical melanoma and I was terrified but really knew it was my own doing. This thing started to itch and became dry but was really quite a size by now.  I happened to be out with a friend who's husband had had many skin cancers etc removed, as had she, she thought it looked like a cancer and when we met up with her husband, he confirmed he thought so too and I should go to get it seen to ASAP.

I apologised to God for asking for this and said I did not want to die, the thought really freaked me out!  But I was prepared to accept my fate after all I did ask for it and my life did not seem worth living. So I said sorry to have prayed for this and just talked to him about how I was feeling. Well this thing, whatever it may have been, came off, just came away and now I don't even have the mark that had been there for 5 years!

Now I know this is a real life miracle, not my first but this was a gently quiet miracle, just for me. Not to boast but to affirm.

I have not announced this to anyone but I felt I must mention it here!
In the depths of despair when I want to die, when I feel I can go on no more, he is there, I can't hear him I don't have faith that he can hear me right now, but now I KNOW he is with me, he has me, holds me and carries me.

Oh My Goodness

I have just been reading through some blogs that blogger suggested. They were all God related but most were unreadable, unless you were top of Mensa! How on earth are people supposed to understand the message of the gospel? I have been a Christian most of my life (in fact from the age of 3 really) and I understood not a word. Perhaps we can only be Christians if we have finished a masters degree first class? Who made it so hard to understand, who made it so hard to live, who is responsible for the divide of who is intelligent enough to share the gospel and the love of Christ Jesus? It has upset me as it makes me feel that I am  not good enough, no wonder the church is emptying at an alarming rate!

Hi,  I am a Christian who, through this blog, will reveal my walk, stumble/s rejections and promises of God. It's a doozie and maybe while writing it I may find myself or at least the answers as to WHY? Why did this happen to me, why did I allow this, why why why?
This really will be a rambling from my mind, which gets very confused with all the theologies out there, I just have to remember one thing, well maybe two. God loves ME. Jesus died for ME, Oh and I am SAVED! So that is three!

Why do the human race think they know it all? That if you can't see it feel it or touch it then it does not exist? So then you have the Christians who think they are so intelligent they just have to make Christianity complicated, as if that will give them kudos outside of the Christian community. This also then, withing the church community, elevates them to mega star Christian who must be greatly used by God as he understands so much more than we. Hmmmm, now is is just me, am I being very rebellious, is what I am thinking how it really is, or am I very, very wrong?  I have always been told I am a rebel, yes I am, this is my personality and the way God made me actually, but, in my previous church, I was made to feel I was wrong to question as I knew nothing.
So I joined what I could, went to meetings and every conference, did a  couple of short term Training in Evangelism fortnights, a whole year training in evangelism, which was actually a year being treated as a second class citizen, "because it was good for me to be a servant", and showered in cold water when on teaching weeks while the leaders had hot water?  I was in my thirties with a husband three children and a mortgage! It was enough to be parted from them I didn't need more torture! To say I was disappointed in my leaders on this teaching year, well my heart sunk and I lost my respect for them. I am sure to this day that God my father did not want me to shower and wash my hair in freezing water in the depths of  winter, he is not a God of torcher. Thank goodness for my faith!
My faith is unshakable I have always believed, from the age of three when I had a massive C of E church in my street in Croydon south London. I don't remember why or how but I wanted to go and my mum is against anything to do with religion.

Mum is Welsh, was raised in a very Baptist family and found them to be very hypocritical. Unfortunately she now tars everyone with the same brush. Mum was a Christian at some point,  I believe Jesus is still with her. A few years ago mum had a perforated bowel and very nearly died. She was in an enforced coma and she had a very vivid dream. It was an amazing dream the upshot of which was she could go one way on her own which looked easier or a "person" wanted her to go with him to safety but the way was harder, looked dangerous and scary! She kept saying take me the other way but he wouldn't and eventually she came into a brightly lit place of safety, then she was awake in hospital. My mum loves Lord of the rings and she said it was in a land just like that with huge thorns trying to get her, barring her way. It still makes me tingle. Jesus has not abandoned my mum,she is still saved, even if she doesn't realise it, as its so deep. My God knows my mums soul,  all her hurts and devastation!
Mum has had such a hard life and to know that she is saved (and I Know) is wonderful! This is a fact I will not argue with any theologian because I know that I know, that I know!

Anyway back to 3 year old me, lol, maybe next time as now I want to phone my mum
x